I’m sure every one of you has had an experience with this kind of person – the one who has a sob story every time you turn around. Some of them as adults will go into a bunch of raw deals they got as kids. I got in trouble because this kid did something and blamed it on me. Or there was this bully in the fourth grade that would pull my shirt up over my head then punch me in the gut. And then there’s the abusive ex or the mean boss or the snooty mother in law. And on and on and on. Everybody has bad stuff that happens to them. And there are some people who do seem to have an extraordinarily difficult life. But here is the difference with them and with a potential abuser.

A realistic person will readily admit that at least a few of the bad things that happened to them were totally or at least partially their fault. They might even be a bit hesitant in the beginning, but after a few non-judgmental comments they will come clean on at least some of their tribulations.

But not the potential abuser. The abuser will never take any responsibility for anything bad that happens to them. It’s always “his fault” “her fault” or “their fault”. It is absolutely never that the abuser admits ” it was my fault”. Be very guarded- even suspicious with a person like this. This person takes no responsibility for their failures. If they have a wreck its always the other guys fault. Once I was in the parking lot with a car in front of me that was waiting to enter the road. She pulled into the street, I pulled to the edge of the parking lot, and she started backing up. In spite of my honking several times, she ran into me. And the next thing I know she was out of her car yelling at me because I didn’t back up– seriously!! Well, it did give me the opportunity to practice my de-escalation techniques. They worked… eventually!

Think about it. If they are this kind of a person, everything that goes wrong in your relationship will be your fault. And who needs that!